THE LENNY BRISCOE II REPORT

YOU ARE GREAT . King Solomon, King David, King Mansa Musa, Methuselah, John the Baptist, Abraham, Abraham Lincoln, Muamar Guardafui, Moses, Afro Moses, Elijah, Elijah Mohammed, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X etc, etc all had massive beards in their time. These were great men. (It is purported that Osama Bin Laden’s beard was false so he cannot, under any circumstances, be added on to this illustrious list.) Others like Idi Amin Dada, Uncle Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe (who is still a great hero in the eyes of many) tried to grow beards but failed so they went for weird moustaches instead. If this is not a great reason to grow a beard, then what is? 2.         BEARDS WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU . How many people have had fortunes and gone from grace to grass one way or the other? Put your hand up if you know someone who has been jilted by a loved one. How many people did you know from back in the day with Afros only to s...

                           So a supposedly “straightforward routine” turned out to be a “major surgery” and an overnight stay in a hospital for my partner and 36 hours of an inadvertent bonding session with my 9 month old daughter. I had almost forgotten how the insides of a hospital looked like and smelled like (thank God)  and as we went to see the specialist, I was grateful that we were in for a “straightforward routine”. There was the usual bit of delay – no, in fact there was a very lengthy delay. When my partner’s name was eventually called out by the immaculately dressed nurse, my sigh of relief must have been audible from 50 yards away, I checked my watch, knowing I’d be able to get out and get in the day job soon. In the mean time, there was the small issue of taking care of, entertaining and engaging a surprisingly energetic 9 month old until my partner was done. Another 45 minutes late...

    If they had won their sixth World Cup title, then the whole nation needless to say, would’ve been engulfed and enveloped in a euphoric “feel-good” aura…at least for some time. Perhaps for a long time, even.      The struggles and protests may well have been forgotten. But as images of fans burning not just expensive-ass Nike branded replica Selecao shirts but their national flag as well flooded TV screens and the worldwide web after that semi-final loss against Germany, you couldn’t help but wonder if it was all worth it for the ordinary Brazilian.    Ordem e Progresso indeed .     This was meant to be “football coming home”. Its REAL home, that is. The one nation that is synonymous with football was getting the much-deserved chance to host the World Cup again and to show the whole world how the game is played. And show how to throw a party carnaval -style to boot. They had even recruited the manager of their last W...

                                            Luis Suarez sinks his immense buck-tooth into the flesh of an opposing player. We’ve heard that before; it’s nothing new. Luis Suarez cops a 4-month ban, a 9-game international football ban, a 4-month stadium ban (apparently applicable anywhere in the world). We have sort of heard that before too. For the third time in his career, the super-talented Uruguayan striker, top goalscorer of the Premier League in the 2013/2014 season, multiple Barclays Premier League Player of the month and Barclays Premier League Player of the Year award winner cops a lengthy ban. For a second season in a row, he will miss crucial matches for Liverpool FC - who have qualified for the Champions League for the first time in Lord-knows-how-long years and need all their key men now more than ever. He hasn’t done himself or his agent any favours as ...

It was not a self-imposed hiatus or voluntary exile, it was just Google. Try signing in from a secret location with a different laptop or freshly-bought Sunday Market secondhand phone and you'll have hell to pay. I was told that I could not log into my account so many times in the past few months I almost gave in. To be allowed access into my account, I had to remember one of those useless, irrelevant, silly-ass questions I was asked while signing up. 1.Where did you first meet your ex girlfriend's uncle son? 2.What is the name of the person who sold your dog to the dog-catchers? 3.What is your first ever phone number? Usually, I (and probably millions of other people)make up answers to these questions. I mean how am I meant to remember my first phone number?Anyway, I had answered that question correctly.Lucky me. So after digging through the vaults, searching through almost two-decade-old chop-boxes and raiding grand mum's house, I found my 1999 diary...

                                                            

                                                  “These things happen. I do not know whether they are accidents or preordained but these things happen. I brought this on myself so it’s hard to say and I can’t complain”, says Johnny as he smiles…with his eyes. Sitting two yards from Johnny, I never would have been able to tell that he had spent two years of his young life in six different HMPs. It might be because I don’t know how youngsters who have spent two years in six different HMPs are supposed to look like archetypically. Or perhaps because Johnny O is not upset or even mildly bitter about life as I had half expected him to be.  He cracks jokes easily and has a good word or three for everyone who passes by. A usual Friday night out – no, what started as a usual Friday night out, two and a half years ear...