FIVE TOP REASONS TO GROW A BEARD EVERY NOW AND AGAIN

YOU ARE GREAT. King Solomon, King David, King Mansa Musa, Methuselah, John the Baptist, Abraham, Abraham Lincoln, Muamar Guardafui, Moses, Afro Moses, Elijah, Elijah Mohammed, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X etc, etc all had massive beards in their time. These were great men. (It is purported that Osama Bin Laden’s beard was false so he cannot, under any circumstances, be added on to this illustrious list.)

Others like Idi Amin Dada, Uncle Adolf Hitler and Robert Mugabe (who is still a great hero in the eyes of many) tried to grow beards but failed so they went for weird moustaches instead. If this is not a great reason to grow a beard, then what is?

2.     

  BEARDS WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU. How many people have had fortunes and gone from grace to grass one way or the other? Put your hand up if you know someone who has been jilted by a loved one. How many people did you know from back in the day with Afros only to see them with heads like baby bums only a few years later at a reunion? Where I’m from, there is something called “erosion”.  That is the process whereby a person’s hairline recedes so much there seems to be an on-going beef between the hairline and the forehead. For some, the bald patch starts at the back of the head and keeps spreading like the effect of an atomic explosion until all the hairs have been conquered.

          The good news is that when your skull hair decides to spite you by falling out, you can always get one back on it by growing your beard. Your beard will never recede. Have you ever seen someone with a bald beard? Beards are faithful. Beards are loving and will always be there for you.

3.    

WOMEN CANNOT GROW BEARDS. You see the latest phenomena where every woman is a feminist? The most annoying feminist is not the real feminist but the Social Media Feminist. The type that tweets “what a man can do, a woman can do better” but relies on her man for her fake nails, false eye lashes, faux fur, bra-fillers and buttocks boosters. Now they say there is no “man of the house” or “head of the household” anymore. Now there are women scaffold workers, women miners, women grave-diggers etc etc. Well, let’s see women grow a full beard then.

4.      

BEARDS KEEP YOU WARM. Do you spend loads of money on scarves in the cold weather only to lose them on your way back from your draining job because you slept like a bear on the trains or the back of the bus and had to rush out or miss your stop? Do you spend all your time looking at cheap flights in the cold weather because you want to go to sunnier climates but cannot afford tickets like Papa Sammo because all your money goes towards buying Asiedu Nketiah-like jackets? Grow a beard. That way a greater portion of your face and beard covered…naturally. You save money and you stay warm.

5.       

NEW LOOK. Now, you have had the same boring face since High School – only a bit more wrinkly. Decades of consistent shaving has created a tender, darker portion of skin around your mouth and chin and that area feels like half-chewed soft weley. Growing a beard will allow the skin achieve some well-needed revitalisation and respite from constant scraping by clippers, shavers, razors and one dollar shaving sticks. The pleasure of flipping your looks because of a heavy beard game is immeasurable and the ensuing enjoyment from contrasting your superior facial hair to your hairless-chinned contemporaries will be priceless. And for the dodgy lot, a good beard will prevent the law from identifying you forever and ever. Amen.