NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS - THE GYM CATEGORY

It's that time again...

The new year resolution population are at it again. It's near impossible to scroll down my timeline on Facebook without seeing someone from somewhere vowing to either stop or start something or both.

A few lazy part-time writers (ahem) claim they intend to pen more dense material in 2016. Amen. A couple of friends intend to get closer to their Maker. No, not in terms of getting closer to their respective deaths or anything like that but in terms of drawing closer via spirituality and embracing their faiths more. Amen.

A number of people have resolved, for whatever reason, to stop eating meat of any kind this year - well, until convenient amnesia kicks in on a binge-drinking night out and they end up wolfing down a monster-size bucket of kebab. Of course,there will be the feigned remorse in the morning and of course there will be the standard excuse of it being a "hangover cure", whatever that may be.

There is also the category who are waxing lyrical about having a more positive outlook on life in 2016 and developing the zest for existence. I'm not, under any circumstances, being a Prophet of Doom when I say (write) this but come February 1st, these same people will have Facebook statuses that read something like this;

"Why do I never meet the right guys? When will I get anything right?" or 

"Somebody shoot me, I've had enough."

Like shut up already! Nobody cares. Social Media is not the most ideal place to be when you're "having issues". It's called FACEBOOK for a reason. Put on a brave face and pretend life's just sweet. That's it. It's almost as if people forget their resolutions two minutes into the new year. What happened to the relentless and warrior new you? 

Anyway, the largest category and possibly the most irritating of the new year resolution champions is - The New Year Gym Goers (whom I will, from henceforth, refer to as NYGG as I can't keep writing New Year Gym Goers throughout this post. It will drive me round the bend, you get me?) These are the lot that I want to address and I crave your indulgence for a minute or 30.

   

                                                                  NYGG

The NYGG, against all laws of nature and common sense, aim to burn off 3 stone worth of flab created presumably from Christmas turkey and chocolate by January 15th. Why January 15th? Because by the 3rd week of January, you'll never spot them at the gym. And I'm all for a healthy lifestyle but these lot can be a tad too over-enthusiastic and it can be borderline annoying. 

You know the type that will stroll up to you, crack a fake smile and ask you "how many sets have you got left on the bench, ma'e?". Which really is nothing but a polite way of saying "hurry up and get the f*** off the bench, I am new and I need it". I am thinking "you saw me slide the plates on the barbell just seconds ago. At the time you were over there doing nothing!" But being such a nice person - as you already know - I usually crack a faker Kanye smile and retort "I only just started using this bench but you can join me if you want. It's up to you." At this point, I hold my breath hoping they say the weight is too much for them - because it is! But no, they always join. Always! These NYGG.

Now, this is the bit I can't stand - when you are done with your 10 reps or whatever, they take off all the plates that you meticulously placed on the bar and then load their 1.25kg or top-end 5kg plates. (Mind you, when they're done, they expect you to put your 80kg weights back on the bar all by yourself. Such unwanted extra workout.) Then they lift their 10kg total with rude and unnecessarily loud moans. 

This exact scenario played out New Year's Day 2016. No lie. 

This man joined me on the bench and went next level with the lift groaning. I must have kissed my teeth or something because he asked me if he was making too much noise. That surprised me - not because he was asking me that but because the answer was so obvious. Of course you are making too much bloody noise, you silly man! Being ever so nice - as you already know - and also as sarcastic as they come, I said "of course not. Don't watch anybody. Make as much noise as you want. 

The louder the groans, the more people tend to push". Believe me or not, this man actually turned it up. It shocked me no end when this slightly overweight man (you're not allowed to say "fat" anymore) actually increased the decibel levels to almost pornographic heights. It was at this point that I could bear it no longer. I did not want to cop a ban from the gym or catch a case for deliberately dropping a 1.25kg plate on someone's toes. I left the place quietly. Thus prematurely ending my new year's day workout but saving my hearing in the process.

I know gyms make their monies over this period. Fair enough, but existing members tend to suffer financially and sometimes psychologically. OK, I may be exaggerating but you'll be forgiven for thinking the gym was Mecca yesterday. Obviously, one of the major differences being the way the ladies show up. What, you thought we will talk about the NYGG without mentioning the ladies?

The new ladies troop in with their phones (and chargers too) and are Instagram ready even before doing their first squat rep. And when they successfully finish their first set, it's a two hour wait before the second set starts. All while taking countless selfies in-between. As if the awkward poses and Instagram filter will tone your grandma arms for you. 

Two things that I hope both existing and NYGG females will fix this year is the tendency to come to the gym in tights 3 sizes too small. Massive and unsightly camel-toes never burned anyone a single calorie. Also, it's OK to have a quick glance at sweaty guys working out. Guys do the same every now and again. Ladies spying through their peripheral vision/ the corners of their eyes/ through the mirrors is annoying and creepy.

With that said, and on a serious one, I wish everybody a healthy and prosperous New Year. See you in a gym...just don't stroll up to me asking how many sets I have left...