THE LENNY BRISCOE II REPORT

                                            Luis Suarez sinks his immense buck-tooth into the flesh of an opposing player. We’ve heard that before; it’s nothing new. Luis Suarez cops a 4-month ban, a 9-game international football ban, a 4-month stadium ban (apparently applicable anywhere in the world). We have sort of heard that before too. For the third time in his career, the super-talented Uruguayan striker, top goalscorer of the Premier League in the 2013/2014 season, multiple Barclays Premier League Player of the month and Barclays Premier League Player of the Year award winner cops a lengthy ban. For a second season in a row, he will miss crucial matches for Liverpool FC - who have qualified for the Champions League for the first time in Lord-knows-how-long years and need all their key men now more than ever. He hasn’t done himself or his agent any favours as ...

It was not a self-imposed hiatus or voluntary exile, it was just Google. Try signing in from a secret location with a different laptop or freshly-bought Sunday Market secondhand phone and you'll have hell to pay. I was told that I could not log into my account so many times in the past few months I almost gave in. To be allowed access into my account, I had to remember one of those useless, irrelevant, silly-ass questions I was asked while signing up. 1.Where did you first meet your ex girlfriend's uncle son? 2.What is the name of the person who sold your dog to the dog-catchers? 3.What is your first ever phone number? Usually, I (and probably millions of other people)make up answers to these questions. I mean how am I meant to remember my first phone number?Anyway, I had answered that question correctly.Lucky me. So after digging through the vaults, searching through almost two-decade-old chop-boxes and raiding grand mum's house, I found my 1999 diary...